The Trav, Santa's Elf, Xena and Wonder Woman

I can't stand the cuteness.

Cheesers!

Two Cuties

Figuring things out

No motivation.  Not doing what I want to be doing, but not sure of what it is that I want to do.  Spent most of yesterday marking out places in England on Google Earth - Elizabethan type places that I want to visit.  What a waste of time.  It's like I'd rather be there than here.  And it's true.  I tell people that I like being a lawyer more than I expected to.  And that is true.  But I also give the impression that I actually like it.  And sometimes I do.  But right now, everything is a chore.  I don't want to do anything that I have to do and then when I go home, I don't want to do anything that I have to do at home.  I've come to the conclusion that what I need to do is find something to look forward to.  And I need to clean my desk at home.  The nest building syndrome thing - just get some things in order and then I'll feel like everything is in order.   So - I've got to find something to look forward to and I have to set some goals.  And then I have to find the joy in doing them. 

 

Something to look forward to: the trip to California for ORC.  Working on costumes with my new serger.

 

Things that I need to get in order: my desk - my finances - my to do list.  My crap in the basement.  I need to freakin' move in to the place where I'm living.  Been living at home for two years, nearly three now.  I've just got to move in and make it feel like the place where I live, not just the place where I sleep and eat and try not to bother people.  Yeah - I need to take responsibility by saying, this is where I live too, these are the things that I want to do with the place where I live and then do it and make it work with what the others need.  And I need to just put my butt in the chair and work on the stuff on my work to do list. 

Holiday Blahs

Compounded with the general distaste for certain aspects of my life is the current familial situation - Dad, Mom and Bean moving to the Middle East.  I feel a malaise in the home, and in myself, finally.  You would think that from the first hint of the news I would have felt some form of homesickness.  But, no.  I've been feeling heartless because I haven't felt badly.  But now I can tell that I am upset and unnerved by the upcoming change.  And I don't want to do anything.  That's one of the signs of depression.  Also a sign that something is happening that I don't want to have happen.  The next few days are going to be really weird.  Well, this entire holiday season has been really weird.

 

Buck up, little camper.  Esurio, Fides, Conatus.  Spero, Specto, Vivo.  All that other Latin junk that I tell myself when I need to keep going.  Tomorrow is another day.

 

A shot in the dark

Looking for an article by William Hartston in the British newspaper, The Express, in the Beachcomber or "By the Way" column about a greengrocer who points out an apostrophal mistake to Good Queen Bess who promptly creates the post of Apostropher Royal with the responsibility, among other things, to deliver apostrophes to all greengrocers on the second Thursday of every month. If anyone knows where I can find a copy, please let me know somehow - like by posting a comment. Thanks!

Greed

So, it makes me look greedy, but I just want to give people plenty of choice in what they want to give to me. So, to anyone who happens to click on the above title, please realize that I don't actually want ALL of the things on the list. I'd enjoy ANY of the things on the list. And perhaps you'll notice a theme. I'm not obssessed. Really.

I'm not.

Yesterday, and Last Week

So I was dreading Thanksgiving with my father's family. Turns out that I didn't get one jab about being single - at least no jabs that I felt. There was something much bigger going on. My Grandpa was "promoted to glory." He died. the day after Thanksgiving. The days before Thanksgiving, we kind of knew that he would leave soon, and my dad and his siblings spent most of Thanksgiving at the hospital with him. Hospice care. The pain killers helped to finally relax. He had suffered from Parkinsons for many years, and without the pain killers his body was just so tense and uncomfortable. If he was conscious, he would act out, tear out any tubes stuck into his body. The hard things was that it seemed that his actions were purposeful. I can't remember all the details, so I won't put in any. But from what we could gather, Grandpa was acting in ways that he thought would lead to his death. So with the Power of Attorney that he had created earlier, the family made the decision to put him in hospice care.

It was a sacred experience.

I've learned a bit more from this passing, but I've written it in my hard copy journal, and don't want to repeat it here and now.

Pimples

Whenever I got them
Mom would want to pop them

Reality or a Screensaver?

Snow falling
down diagonal slow
soft hit hard
slow build up
muffling sight and sound
peaceful blizzard
as long as I’m warm.

Pixels falling
down diagonal slow
correct size, color and movement
stick at the right place
slow build up
protecting from pixel burn
on screen
peaceful blizzard
and I’m always warm.

Pausing for leaves to fall

wanton wind whirling,
turning and curling,
pausing and hanging
dry flakes of sunlight material
falling down gently
to mix on the ground
my grateful feet slurring in
leftover leagues of God’s Love Overflowing

In the Morning

The clear clouds.
The yellow dims,
congeals,
covered by a mucosal mutation of murky white.
The edges pop, sizzle and brown
like the membranes of a mollusk.
The beauty of the bird is obscured.
But…
my egg is done.

Origin and Destiny

We are the stars
We belong in the skies
His heart and hands and eyes
Lift us higher and higher and higher
To clarity, to distance, to pinpoints of brilliance
Piercing darkness,
To home.

Into Africa by Night and Air

Moonlight on a silver wing
Cold and still and beautiful
In the rapturous flight and light
Bright stars
Dark night
Clouds in white grey silver below
Above an unseen sea
Stillness on the wing
Silver on the tip from the moon
Bright and clear.

In case you're wondering

Adrift, a lost, alone -
In empty spaces with empty people
Of no substance is it all -
Where’s an Anchor?
Where to tack my tether
To fill the vacuum of my lonely mind

gently flies

gently flies
life
is a touch
a profusion of division
desire flushed brightly
straining heaven
scattered clear
from abundant dappled grandeur