The Day After Tomorrow

For the first time ever, I'm actually not listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. I used to think that people who wouldn't let their families listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving were Scrooges - and here I am avoiding the radio stations that are playing the stuff.

My mom says I'm learning to treasure it. I think it's because I'm not as hot about holidays as I used to be. Actually, I'm not as hot about the trappings involved. All that I really want to do is spend time with my family, but actually doing something for a change. Basically, I want real experiences, not manufactured ones. I want the normal traditions, but I don't want them to be glitzy.

Thanksgiving has never been a big favorite of mine to begin with. Mostly we just go to my Dad's Mom's house and eat and talk and I'm bored. I don't really get along with any of my cousins.

Probably because my Mom secretly didn't want me to and I'm quite susceptible to her attitudes. See, she's never really gotten along with any of my Dad's siblings or my grandfather. She doesn't like the way that side of the family carries on conversations (because they don't - they talk at each other in loud tones a good portion of the time). And the fact that my parents built a house and paid for a good portion of it and then my aunt's family moved into it without fully compensating my parents - that can put a damper on relationships. And so Mom has never felt very comfortable with my Dad's family. Since I'm the oldest grandchild and the next oldest is my brother, for some strange reason, I never found a friend among my cousins. Yup - I'm suceptible to my mother's attitudes.

But part of it is my own tastes - I've never been a girly girl, like my cousins.

Well, no actually, that has a lot to do with my mother too. She conciously tried to raise me without the typical gender stereotypes. The result being that growing up I didn't like playing dress up or Barbies. although my mom actually did try to get me to like playing with my Barbies. After all, she bought the monsters for me and made a special bag to hold all of the crap.

As I got older and my other cousins started being all makeupy and boy crazy (even though they're younger than me) I just never felt a true kinship with them.

Part of me keeps these barriers up, even now that we're older. Two of my cousins got married when they were around 19 or 20. Not to each other. The one married the way you're "supposed to" - followed everything the church says to do. Had a baby and got divorced a year later. The other cousin married the bad boy she'd been dating for years and they got divorced a year later. I'd been feeling like I was getting crap for being in my mid twenties and not married yet - I'm not following the path I'm "supposed to." So part of me goes "nyah, nyah." But then they're both remarried now, the first one to a nice guy, but they couldn't get married in the church, and the second one got married in the church. And they both have babies. And me, the oldest cousin still single. Just passed my 30th birthday.

Until I started writing this, I was somewhat looking forward to Thanksgiving. Now, I'm dreading it.